Like your sidewalk to carry the scent of cinnamon and gin with a faint hint of urine? Love streets that are impossible to park on, much less drive on? Are you a big fan of gun control, and soda restriction? Want to increase your odds of being shot execution style in broad light? Is one of your life long goals to get the gift that will keep on giving for the rest of your life—an STD?

Then you must be New York, New York bound!

People say there’s nowhere else in the world quite like New York City at Christmas time, and well, recent reports would confirm that idea. The sights, the sounds, the...smells.

With massive gun control laws, making the process of purchasing a gun legally one that takes countless man hours, three years of frustration, and numerous bank accounts to accomplish, New York City Mayor Bloomberg is proud to say that the likelihood of you getting mugged is only one in five, with only 520 or so murders per day! Talk about safe!

As far as medical stuff is concerned, soda is rationed and the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (Seriously—“Mental Hygiene”) just released a study showing the soaring rates of HIV/AIDS, chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea, with the hardest hit areas being the Bronx and Mid-town. Fun times!

Tempted? Well, while you’re there be sure to hit up the Hotel of Doom UN building.

Happy Holidays!