Last year, our staff dug into the blood and guts history of this month’s celebration of love and all things pink, and since even Dear Leader has declared that one should not forget to mark the date, we decided that this year we’d help our PDers out by offering up a few Valentine’s Day gift suggestions.
At the top of every gift list is of course ammo. Sorry Bloomberg, but ammo is the already best gift there is, and what’s more—it fits every occasion. It’s your half birthday? Box of ammo. Just landed that big Saunders account? Box of ammo. Engaged? Box of ammo. Purchased your dream home? Box of ammo.
Find the bullets in a nice shiny pink, and then the shells can be reused for decorative purposes.
Side note: Before you hang up your ammo wreath, be sure to read the fine print of the government regulations in your area, as repurposed shotgun shells are banned in some communities.
Of course, no Valentine’s Day gift list can be complete without a little bling and a bauble or two.
Your special lady friend not really a big fan of the traditional heart pendant? Well, then go anatomical.
These range in price from $7 on eBay to a cool $100 at brick and mortar jewelry shops.
Perhaps you and your significant other enjoy a twisted sense of humor. If that’s the case, then maybe you could pull the empty Tiffany box gift prank without major bodily harm befalling you.
Keep in mind though, PD bears no responsibility in the quick demise of your relationship if you attempt this idea.
If ammo and jewelry are not quite hitting the spot there’s always flowers.
Roses usual fit the bill for the classic Valentine’s floral ripoff. Red roses symbolize true love. Yellow roses are for friendship, or if the person is feeling under the weather.
Purple, Teflora’s it color for this Valentine’s Day, roses are all about extrangavance and splendor, and of course the splendor of extrangavance. Orange roses flash desire and ethusiam.
Pink roses are considered sweet, and are usually best at the beginning of a relationship. White roses are chastite and pure, i.e. the perfect flowers for the father of your teenage girlfriend to see you give, especially if you’re in your 40’s.
Side note: No judgement there, but yeah—judgement.
Roses are not the only way to go these days. Nothing says creative quite like a carnation puppy, teddy bear, or Gadsden snake.
Is your lady love into Granny Chic? Then maybe something from Stella McCartney could serve you well.
Is she more interested in big label bags? Well, if you have $380 to burn then how about a Louis Vuitton Vernis Heart coinpurse?
A wide range of colors promises there will be at least one she’ll be able to add to her wardrobe.
Finally, if all else fails to intrigue, then how about shoes?
Campy and kitschy to the extreme, these driving loafers are festive, and under $20.
Speaking of kitschy, here’s a heeled ode to Cupid that is definitely on the avant-garde side.
Like bullets, it’s hard to go wrong with a pair of Louboutins.
Keds more her speed? Then these neon pink babies from the Rookie Laceless collection at about $30 might be just the fit.