We would make a joke about something else ridiculous being banned, but the PD staff would hate to give them any ideas.Back to class means back to the arbitrary bans put into place by overzealous school boards that will not be satisfied until your child is heavily sedated and encased in bubble wrap.

Joining the campus scourges of leggings, improperly chewed pop-tarts, salt, American flags, birthday candles, Duck Dynasty tees, and scantily clad parents is chap-stick.

Side note: We’ve decided to spell chap-stick this way. Deal with it.

Despite the internet world having been assured since season one of Game of Thrones that winter is indeed coming, the Augusta County School Board in Virginia has shown little mercy for the cracked lips of the 11 year olds in their care.

Is there some new chap-stick explosive or imaginary lip balm machine gun that even Daash (ISIS/ISIL) hasn’t heard of yet?

According to the Augusta powers that be, no. The issue is that the school board has designated chap-stick as an over-the-counter-drug, and anything other than Ritalin, Adderall, Seroquel, lithium—well, needs to be kept out the children’s clutches at all costs.

If your little Sally or Mary Beth suffers from chapped lips, the staff recommends sending them to class with either Revlon’s Just Bitten Kissable Lip Balm Stain Crayon, or Dior’s Addict Lip Glow Color Reviver.

Do not get the double-sided balm and pen though.

Revlon’s crayon applicator distributes a minty burst of soothing balm and will blend nicely into your child’s art kit. Stick to the natural pink 001 Honey Douce shade, unless your daughter’s current idol is Dolly Parton, in which case the 045 Romantic or the orange of 040 Rendezvous will do the trick.

Respected by the Teacher's Union.

Pricey, but packs a punch of SPF and a shade of pink that matches with your tone automatically, Dior’s Addict Lip Glow works beautifully as a staple for our staff and those trapped in the Prussian education system seven unlucky hours a day.