Cough it up.It seems like our staff is always writing about the wonders of gold as an investment, a great find on an airplane lavatory, fashion piece or beauty gimmick, which is probably why the Turkish Government has decided to register and collect the estimated 5,000 tons of gold kept outside of banks in Turkey.

Durmus Yilmaz, the former Governor of the Central Bank of Turkey explained the situation this way, “The 5,000 tons of under-the-mattress gold has been accumulating since World War I. This gold amassed by Turks is kept in safes and on the fingers, necks and arms of women. If that gold instead becomes a bank deposit and banks use it as credit, the credit will be more available and will be cheaper, which means more investments and more production.”

Yeah, those awful women with their wedding rings and heart lockets with pictures of their tots inside. True economic criminals there.Turkey thinks you shouldn’t buy bangles, but instead buy bonds.

Enter the Istanbul Gold Refinery, which inspects and assesses the gold brought in. According to them this new glorious system will mean, “There will be no risk of theft or loss. The State guarantee for the gold deposit accounts is 150,000 ₺. They are available 24 hours (a day) for transactions. Clients can cash any amount they want from their gold accounts.”

Wow, did you catch all that? We’re sure that your Gram-Gram’s gold locket will be safe with a guarantee from a State that banned Minecraft