The CDC, the step-parent you never wanted. When the CDC isn’t telling Americans that they drink too much and begging for additional funding to properly educate the masses on the heart break of cirrhosis of the liver, or wrecking the sweet heart mood by claiming gonorrhea is up by 4% and syphilis 11% from 2012, all because of homophobia and a lack of “affordable” healthcare, they are busy hyping up H1N1 for all those piggies got.

While a member of our staff actually got swine flu back in 2009 when it was still fresh and new, PD doesn’t blame anyone for being leery when it comes to world governments pushing flu shots.

If you’d rather take your chances, then as always PD has you covered with our tips on ridding out the flu.CDC approved affection for the year 2014.

Ache all over? Go for horseradish, and olive oil. Take one cup of olive oil and drop in a tablespoon of the horseradish, mix it a bit and then let it sit for 30 minutes. Then take the mixture and massage it all over your body (not your eyes of course unless you’re into that sort of thing). 10 minutes after you do that you’ll be ready to do a gymnastics floor routine, skimpy leotard and all.

Nasal passages dry and scratched from what feels like 90 years of Kleenex? Try this shower tip from our Korean staff members. Pull in a chair or sit on the floor after you close the door to the bathroom and run a steamy hot shower. We’re talking hot, hot, hot. Just breathing in the warm air should work wonders by moisturizing your nasal passages, and like after any good sauna, the rest of you will feel world’s better.

Also delicious on oatmeal. While creating a mini-sauna is a great idea, you need to be sure to drink as much liquid as you can. Small sips every ten minutes or so is the typical rule of thumb. Drinking water and Gatorade are great, but even soda won’t hurt you. Just stay away from caffeine, as it’s a diuretic, but otherwise you’re good.

Have what feels like whooping cough keeping you from getting any sleep? Jello, my friend, jello. Add a spoon full of gelatin mix (any flavor will do) into a cup of water. Pop in the microwave for two minutes, and then slowly drink it. The gelatin will coat and soothe your throat, allowing you to sleep. However, if you are having troubles breathing, for the love of god do NOT do this.You may only know it in this form, but trust us, hot from a cup it’s incredible.

Finally, if you are nightmarishly congested order some Thai. The capsaicin found in hot chili peppers is usually strong enough to blow away any congestion the flu gods can muster.

You’re welcome.