A big bag of nothing. Rejoice, Christmas Comrades! Do not stress over today’s shortages, because Papa Noel President Maduro has everything covered. You know—as always.

“Today we deploy, and in November and December you will see that we have guaranteed a happy Christmas for the people,” Maduro said during his usual televised remarks earlier this month.

Don’t you just love communist guarantees? When his says “we deploy” he means that he will unleash hundreds of price inspectors on the Venezuelan business community to ensure that they are following his prior decrees to keep prices artificially low.

No purveyor is spared from Maduro’s price controls as they cover everything from chickens to coffins.

Oh, and in case you wanted to pull a will.i.am and try to smuggle any of your holiday goods, Maduro also went the extra step this month and upped the sentence for smuggling to 14 years, which naturally includes 12 years for the 12 days of Christmas and a bonus 2 for the Madonna and Christ child.

Maduro has also promised to continue closing the borders at night and rooting out the bourgeois criminals that are clearly to blame for the lack of basic medical supplies and cooking oil.“I guarantee it.”

Shortages which of course have absolutely nothing to do with (in the words of Caracas Chamber of Commerce Head Victor Maldonado) a business sector that, “Doesn’t trust the government’s economic policies or its ability to resolve problems. Experience tells us that with measures like these, you’re left with empty shelves, little to no supplies, and closed businesses.”

PD will peek back in on Papa Noel as the holidays near to see just how prominent the Christmas spirit will be this year in Caracas.