The Rules of Royalty

This may come as an earth shattering revelation on par with finding out that the Muslim Brotherhood is anti-Israel or that Strauss-Khan is a bit of a creeper, but we here at PD aren’t big fans of monarchies.

Really at all. Don’t like them. Find them a bit on the grotesque side. In fact last year when the media was busy dry humping the People’s Princess Take Two Kate Middleton, seven out of ten of our writers had to be put on medical alert due to excessive dry heaving.

With that in mind, the recent Q & A session published with Queen Elizabeth Take Two’s dress designer, Stewart Parvin, didn’t serve to get us anymore pumped up for the Jubilee, but rather has motivated the PD office to stock up on crackers and Smecta.

Parvin began by explaining how the Queen always manages to look so crisp, almost as if she does nothing all day long and doesn’t have a team of flufflers, following after her, that revile the British Underground’s.

The Queen doesn’t sweat, as she’s a cold person. Yes, yes, that does check out. She is indeed cold, and despite some of those out door polo matches she is forced to attend getting a little humid at times, she wouldn’t be the queen if she didn’t have access to a mini-fan, or a serf to hold said mini-fan. Why would she sweat?

Full disclosure: Our stomach is turning even trying to report on this. Not so much so about a monarchy’s opulence and parasitical nature, but that there are some whom are perfectly fine with it. PD is a very libertarian organization, to each their fashionable own, but that doesn’t mean we won’t openly cringe at loyalists that worship others whom—–well, let’s continue.

Stewart mentions the Queen’s uneven shoulders (wow, do we feel bad now about criticizing her suckling at the taxpayer’s tit), but what floored us the most is that the fair Queen doesn’t even wear in her own shoes. The Queen has a same shoe size servant that breaks in her shoes for her, taking ever blister and bunion for the good of England. How much longer is this tea party going to last? Someone fetch my royal fan holder.

Amazing, and yet…shocking. No, PD isn’t shocked that the Queen would have a servant to perform some random remedial task, but that the Queen would wear shoes worn by someone else first…in a sense, the Queen only wears second-hand shoes.

That’s just disgusting. That’s taking the decade-long vintage trend to the extreme. No one can love vintage that much…Can they?