Seriously, Ashton! Come out! This has got to be a joke…Ashton? To continue our Halloween Memory Lane Mondays, today we go back to a recently revived conversation from 2005 which actually is more icky than scary.

For the video click here, otherwise just enjoy the transcript below and we advise perhaps holding off on that big bowl of Pumpkin Spice Cheerios—there’s a HUGE gag factor in what these clowns had to say.

Donald Trump: You know and I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach.

Unknown: She used to be great. She’s still very beautiful.

Trump: I moved on her and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married.

Unknown: That’s huge news.Btw: The media has ruled Melania Trump’s $1,100 Gucci Pussy-bow blouse she wore to last night’s debate to be a classic case of messaging à la Bill Clinton.

Trump: No, no, Nancy. No, this was — and I moved on her very heavily, in fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture. I took her out furniture. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.

Bush: Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.

Various: Whoa! Yes! Whoa!

Bush: Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!

Trump: Look at you. You are a pussy. Maybe it’s a different one.

Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s her. It’s —

Not all press is good press.Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait and when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

Bush: Yeah those legs, all I can see is the legs.

Trump: Oh, it looks good.

Bush: Come on, shorty.

Trump: Oh, nice legs, huh?

Bush: Oof, get out of the way, honey. Oh, that’s good legs. Go ahead.

Trump: It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?

Bush: Down below. Pull the handle.

Trump: Hello, how are you, hi.

Arianne Zucker: Hi Mr. Trump. How are you?

Trump: Nice seeing you. Terrific, terrific. You know Billy Bush?

Bush: Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne?

Zucker: I’m doing very well, thank you. Are you ready to be a soap star?

Trump: We’re ready, let’s go. Make me a soap star.

Bush: How about a little hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus.

Zucker: Would you like a little hug, darling?

Trump: Absolutely. Melania said this was OK.

Bush: How about a little hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus. Here we go. Excellent. Well you’ve got a nice co-star here.

Trump: Good. After you.

Trump: Come on, Billy, don’t be shy.

Bush: Soon as a beautiful woman shows up he just, he takes off. This always happens.

Zucker: I’m sorry, come here.

Bush: Let the little guy in here, come on.

Zucker: Yeah, let the little guy in. How you feel now? Better? I should actually be in the middle.Anyone else find Billy Bush to be disgusting as all hell? Are him and Anthony Weiner friends? They should be friends.

Bush: It’s hard to walk next to a guy like this. Yeah, you get in the middle. There we go.

Trump: Good. That’s better.

Zucker: This is much better. This is…

Trump: That’s better.

Bush: Now, if you had to choose honestly between one of us. Me or the Donald?

Trump: I don’t know, that’s tough competition.

Zucker: That’s some pressure right there.

Bush: Seriously, you had to take one of us as a date.

Zucker: I have to take the Fifth on that one. Yep, I’ll take both.

Trump: Which way?

Zucker: Make a right. Here we go.

Spoiler alert. Bush: Here he goes. I’m gonna leave you here. Give me my microphone.

Trump: OK. OK. Oh, you’re finished?

Bush: You’re my man. Yeah.

Ick, ick, ick.

Of course, as skeevy as that exchange definitely is, who else thinks Ted Cruz is regretting his decision to follow the Republican Party line? 

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