The day before the American public decides whether to pepper their eggs with Anthrax or slit their wrists with Cubic zirconium, while making sure our medicine cabinets are stocked with Xanax and our freezers with mint chip ice cream, we decided to shine a little sad light on our go-to country in case of an US implosion.
The sunny, low tax Philippines went from a Plan B Paradise to despot isle within one election cycle (well, essentially it only takes one, right?) and below are just a few of the new President’s hits.
At a July 1st gathering, the newly sworn-in President Rodrigo Duterte almost burst with compassion when he said, “If you know of any addicts, go ahead and kill them yourself as getting their parents to do it would be too painful.”
After declaring it open season on drug users, Duterte (nicknamed the Punisher during his time as Mayor of Davao) lamented that critics (those not smothered with a pillow in the middle of the night), “Portrayed [me] to be a cousin of Hitler. Hitler massacred three million Jews, now there is three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them. If Germany had Hitler than the Philippines would have—” here Duterte finished with a flourish by pointing to himself.
Think he was just being colorful? Well, during his campaign earlier this year, Duterte further Mein Kampf-ed with, “All of you who are into drugs, you sons of bitches, I will really kill you.”
Speaking of bitches, while in Beijing last month, Duterte went the extra diplomatic step of saying, “I announce my separation from the United States both in military and economics also. America does not control our lives. Enough bullshit.”
To which State Department Spokesman John Kirby trotted out a feeble, “We are going to be seeking an explanation of exactly what the President meant when he talked about separation from the US. It’s not clear to us exactly what that means in all its ramifications.”
As the US State Department noodled out those ramifications by delaying a sell of 26,000 arms to Duterte, today Duterte announced that his country will no longer be purchasing arms from America. “Look at these monkeys, the 26,000 firearms we wanted to buy, they don’t want to sell. Son of a bitch, we have many home-made guns here. These American fools.”
You know, it’s funny— President Duterte reminds of someone and it isn’t quite Hitler.