The plastic Thunderdome.Another Friday, and another genius idea brought to you by those teaching the next generation of fine citizens. Zeman Elementary School (in Nebraska, not related to, or to be confused with the inebriated Czech President Zeman) students were recently sent home with an informational flyer on how to best handle bullying, which reads a bit like an abuser’s manifesto.

As with every genius idea from whistling to rapists, and banning bossy, let’s have some fun.

Here’s the 9 Rule List of how to deal with bullies, with one little exception: Let’s see what happens when instead of using the word bully, the PD staff substitutes the word government.

The sound of one hand clapping...

Rule #1: Refuse to get mad at the government. Anger is a feeling we have toward our enemies, not our buddies. When you get angry, you are treating the government like the enemy. Besides if a government finds out they can make you angry, you become their puppet and the government controls you.

Now that’s constructive criticism.

Rule #2: Treat the government that is being mean as if they are trying to help you. No matter how insulting or mean they may sound, be grateful and think that the government really cares about you. (This does not mean you have to believe what the government tells you.)

Anti-bully bullies on the prowl.

Rule #3: Do not be afraid of the government. Fear is something we feel toward enemies, not buddies. When you are afraid of the government you are treating the government like an enemy, not buddy. If you are afraid, you are automatically putting the government in the stronger position, and you automatically lose, and since the government wants to keep winning, they will continue doing things to make you feel afraid.

Pretty please? With a communist cherry on top?

Rule #4: Do not verbally defend yourself from the government. We defend ourselves from enemies, so we are treating the government as an enemy, not friend. When the government attacks and the other person is the defender, the government is in the stronger position, so the defender is automatically the loser. If we defend ourselves from the government, we lose.

Oh hippo...

Rule #5: Do not attack the government. We attack enemies, not friends. If I attack you back, I am treating you like an enemy, so the government will in return treat you like an enemy. It takes two groups to fight, so it’s the person who retaliates or responds, who actually starts the fight.

It will surely give the Tickle Me Elmo a run for its money.

Rule #6: If the government physically hurts you, just show you are hurt; do not get angry. If the government hurts you, you want them to feel sorry and apologize. If you get angry, the government won’t feel sorry.

The Common Core math checks out.

Rule #7: Do not tell on the government. The number one reason governments hate their victims is, because the victims tell on them. Telling makes the government want to retaliate. Tell an adult only when a real injury or crime (theft of something valuable) has occurred. Would we keep our friends if we tattled on them?

Bullying through the ages.

Rule #8: Don’t be a sore loser. No one likes a sore loser. Would you like to play with someone who gets all upset when they lose? Lose gracefully and be a good sport; the government will like you better.

This won’t be a problem in Nebraska.

Rule #9: Learn to laugh at yourself and not get “hooked” by the government putting you down. Make a joke out of it, or agree with the put down. For example: “If you think I’m ugly, you should see my sister!” “You’re right, and it’s going to get worse!” “I’ve know(n) that for a long time.” “Thanks for noticing.” “If you think I look like a nerd, you should see my dad!”

On behalf of the fine people of Nebraska’s Zeman Elementary and big governments everywhere, take this to heart, and have a great weekend.