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April June showers now have a good chunk of Eastern Europe investing in arks. Waters hit their highest point this morning along the Vltava, and the Danube isn’t fairing much better. This begs the question though, how exactly should one handle being in a flash flood situation?
Never fear, as always PD’s got some helpful tips to drag you and yours to the other side bone-dry, or—at least alive.
First things first, don’t count on barriers to hold. Waters can rise rapidly (sometimes in a sixty second time span), and you’ll find that fencing is rarely ever high or sturdy enough. In the photo above, you can see water already leaking through.
Wanting to play a little Singing in the Rain? Make sure puddles are less than 6 inches deep. 6 or more and the current is enough to send a Prius to the bottom. Hell, 6 inches can take even Michael Moore down river. If you have to cross a stream, be sure to check the strength of the current with a Mr. Peanut cane, or downed tree branch.
Next, don’t fret too much about drowning. Deaths from flood situations usual come from floating debris in the water (like that Prius or fat bag Moore) and disease. Would you swim in a Port-a-Potty? No? Really? Well then resist that urge to jump in and play a little Marco-Polo, because while all of that water might seem fun and exciting, it’s got enough chemical run off and sewage to turn you into an instant Olsen.
Can’t stay where you are? Have to make a move for higher ground? Now’s the time to break out the neon. Sure, neon is a fun summer staple, but it will also do double duty in a life or death situation, as others will be able to spot you in the current. This allows them to either be a help to you, or gives them a chance to signal you for help. Floods are not the time to take out the Duck Dynasty Camo.
When dressing to go out think: wet suit. You want to wear tight clothing (that spandex your bestie convinced you to buy) which won’t snag or get caught on anything, trapping you in an area. You also don’t want a pair of wide legs dragging you down. Go with the rule of thumb that each article of clothing will weigh you down about a pound and half.
You also want to make sure you’re covered as much as possible to prevent cuts, and that milkshake sewage getting in or on your skin. Also, ditch the bra. The last thing you need when fighting for your life is to be getting stabbed by an unforgiving underwire. In favor of traditional underthings, go with a neon swimsuit under your spandex. Sure, you’ll look fairly Russian, but hey, the only ones to judge will be those that make it.
Is a flood the time when European men can showcase their high waters with confidence? No. Again, you want to keep everything as covered up as possible. That also means, that both boys and girls should ditch their Tevas. Yeah. Not only will sandals offer you no protection, but then you run the risk of possibly of dying in Tevas.
Come on, the PD staff knows you’re better than that.
In saying that though make no mistake, we aren’t advocating for you to bust out your red spiked Louboutins either. Think structured, tight knee high boots, without much a heel as that will just weigh you down. If you have a pair of pink Coach rain boots—hey, you might as well wear them. We both know you’ve been starved for an occasion to wear them since you bought them on sale back in 2005.
If you aren’t on the water front, but are still in a town or city experiencing flooding, be sure not to drink from the tap, as that water source will most likely be compromised. Another concern will be downed power lines. Unless you want your skeleton lit up like an Alabama Christmas tree, steer clear of power lines/electrical cables. Determining whether or not a wire is live isn’t a skill that can be learned through trial and error.
And there you have it, PDers, how to remain fabulous and alive in a flood. You’re welcome.