Regarded as a sport by some, and as a death sentence by others, Black Friday is just that—dark. If our American PDers insist on getting out there in the thick of it this Friday, well, we have a few tips for you.

 

First, where do you live? If you live in Detroit, Camden, or NYC then you are Obama voter nuts to go out. Seriously, no $5 toaster is worth it. The statistics of getting trampled, shot, and beaten to death increase tenfold if you live in those communities.

In fact, if you are seriously going out to shop, go ahead and fill out your last will and testament beforehand, and make PD the sole beneficiary.

Second, pick your goal items. Divide them into three sections: Musts At All Costs of Bodily Harm, Great for Gifts, and Could Be Nice.Black Friday madness.

Also, when compiling your list, it’s also a good idea to think survival/storage gear. Flashlights on sale? Batteries? Alcohol? Band-Aids? Guns? Crossbows? Keep those items in mind.

Double check your items. Do you really need those things, or are you planning on getting it because they are so cheap? That type of thinking is how people end up with three 8ft Christmas trees.

For each item on your list you should have a game plan for them. If it’s a gift, write down, “Gift for Sarah,” or if it’s a bribe write down, “Bribe to Union Boss.” Doing this will help you cut down on impulse junk buys.

Third, from your list, choose the store you want to hit first. If you decide Target has more of your “Musts At All Costs of Bodily Harm” then hit the Target that is hidden away where fewer people usually shop. They should still have all of the items advertised, but you’ll have less competition.

Fourth, the early bird gets shot or trampled.

Do not line up outside Best Buy a week in advance, like these welfare geniuses. Do not line up 72 hours before. Do not line up 24 hours before. You know the people that do that? Yeah, they have mental problems. The earliest a sane person should line up is 8 hours before, and even then—you’re a bit nuts.

Black Friday madness.For the line, be sure to bring playing cards, and snacks. Do not bring a grill, a tent or sleeping bag—again, you’re just going to look unstable.

Fifth, check out the weather report and dress accordingly. Even if it’s going to be 110F, do not wear sandals to Black Friday, unless you like the hoof look. Dress for comfort, but keep all safety padding at home.

Sixth, go with the buddy system. Those four hours before a sale can really drag, which is why a partner in crime can be a real bonus. Not just that, but teamwork can result in a higher likely hood you’ll get what you want.

Seventh, keep an eye on the crowd. When you start to see mob mentality taking over then get the hell out of there. Let someone else die for that waffle maker, and Seinfeld Season 4 DVD collection.

Eighth, have a plan for when the doors open. Which department are you headed to first? What makes sense? Go by your list, product 1, product 2, etc. Game plans don’t just save time, they save lives.

There you have it, PDers. God speed, and be sure to leave us some comments with your Black Friday hauls.