Every year our PD staff does our best to come up with helpful suggestions on getting just the right holiday gift for those near and dear to you. While we are big advocates of crossing names off our own personal lists by August, PD understands that big government has a tendency to kill year round yule-tide generosity.
Don’t worry though, as always PD’s got you covered.
Say your dear friend breaks out into hives whenever they even consider entering a Sephora or Ulta, then obviously an eau de Pizza Hut perfume or even Hamas’ favorite fragrance M75 won’t work. Instead, help them clear up their allergies by snatching up Tanzania’s top gift this season: albino body parts.
A lock of hair, or a lop off their arms or legs can run up quite a bill, but ask any witch doctor worth their salt in Tanzania and they will all swear by albino body parts for that nagging cough, hay fever, combination skin, or even the Duke’s disease, gout.
About 70 or so albinos are killed each year in Tanzania to be used in potions galore, though most albinos only face having their hair, or a finger or two harvested. An albino arm should run you about $600 in most open markets.
Not a big believer in alternative medicine? That’s okay, we have other stocking stuffer ideas.
How about some of Putin’s sperm?
Sure the ruble is in tank these days, thanks to Saudi Arabia, but Putin is still very much considered to be the big man on campus in Russia— to the point that a bill was put forth last month to shore up the Russian population with the pitter patter of little Putins.
Yelena Borisovna Mizoulina, a distinguished PhD and the Chair of the Parliamentary Commission on Women’s Affairs/Children and Family, explained her proposal to the State Duma this way, “Each female citizen of Russia will be able to receive by mail the genetic material of the President, get pregnant from him and have a baby. These mothers will be receiving special allowances from the government…and after the birth of the child, he will have to be given to be raised into the special institutions that resemble Souvorov schools (basically a military boarding school) with the aim that he will be loyal to the Motherland and personally to the President of the RF.”
Of course, this is the same chick that recently recommended that all Russian Jews leave the country, because Russia, “Has enough problems.”
Still though, if you are willing to break the age old, Russian tradition of no Christmas presents perhaps maybe a little genetic material could go a long way.
Naturally, the best gifts are things that a person can really use. For example, take a page from Tennessee State Senator Brian Kelsey.
Last year, when Kathleen Sebelius popped by his neck of the woods for an education and outreach session, Kelsey knew just what to get her: a copy of Web Sites for Dummies. Talk about thoughtful!
You’re welcome and we hope these suggestions have helped.