Political Dresser

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Happy Travels: The See-Bring-Do of China

Meanwhile...Fog? Ghosts of the Great Leap Forward? Smog?As Dear Leader plans to take a healthcare propaganda plug tour of the United States, we recommend you take a page out of Edward Snowden’s book and hit up Asia for the summer holiday.

Step off your Air China flight and take a nice deep breath. Then frantically rip out your face mask from your carry on.

Misplaced the mask during your struggle with the TSA? Hey, don’t worry. If there’s something the Chinese do well and have on every street corner, it is happy endings face masks. From Hello Kitty for the kiddos, to Swarovski and Gucci for adults, there’s definitely a face mask out there to suit your wardrobe, style and respiratory needs.

For this Asian holiday, you’ll certainly find no shortage of things to do and see.Karl Pilkington does have a point, but it's still great for the glutes.

First, PD recommends tackling the Great Wall of China Workout. Make sure you’ve ditched the heels and are kitted out with climbing gear, that world wonder isn’t straight. If fatigue starts to set in before you make it to the Hero Temple lookout, just keep thinking about that shiny Made-in-Bengali metal waiting for you there.

Maybe just a quick dip...With the Great Wall Workout out of the way, cool off with a quick splish splash in the Yangtze River. Emphasis on the quick, though.

Next, pop into Foxconn to admire the newly installed soft nylon suicide nets. We guarantee you that nothing in your hotel room will feel better against your skin.

While Beijing is a great place to try out your Frogger skills in the real world, we suggest you make a bee-line for Xi’an, to take a gander at the Terracotta Warriors that were tasked with protecting Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China, in the hereafter.Be sure to spring for comfy kicks.

If you’re the type that can’t resist a souvenir, do yourself a favor and don’t fork over more than $5 per figure.

Working up an appetite touring one of the 10,000 freshly built ghost cities? If you’re looking for a taste of your local P.F. Chang’s or Panda Express, PD is afraid you’ll be disappointed. Instead, you’ll find a mix of fish eyes coupled with things that scurry in the street.

Also, if you’re holding out hope for a fortune cookie at the end of the meal, sadly, you won’t find one.

Despite being saddled with a bad case of Confucius’ revenge, a trip to the land of the lotus can be very enjoyable and quite good for the chi.

Let us know how your trip goes, down in the comments. 

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