- Published on Tuesday, 11 October 2016 16:14
What you’ll need: Start with a simple suit base in a basic blue (no tweeds, you’d hate to be mistaken for a scholar instead of a graduate from Trump University), and a white dress shirt from the Donald J. Trump Collection (made in Mexico, and scored for under $15 from eBay).
From here, you can decide either to add a tie (again only with the Donald J. Trump label in a pale blue or fire engine red) or to just leave your first three dress shirt buttons undone for a more man-of-the-people Trump look.
Finish off your look with a standard-sized, red Make American Great Again trucker cap, worn so the bill faces the front.
What you should do: From the moment you walk in, make sure everyone at the party knows what a HUGE deal it is that you’re even there. Stuff your face with Trump Brand Potato Chips. Explain how you basically paid for the whole party since you’re, you know, so successful and rich. Keep your small hands in your pockets, as you survey the room for the best pussies to grab.
Continue to belly up to the food table, and lament that there is no Trump Wine. Say something along the lines of, “This party will never be HUGE without Trump Wine. What kinda of HUGE loser doesn’t have Trump Wine?”
Snap your fingers at Pedro to refill the margarita station, and hit the can to redecorate with a few more shades of gold. Go back to the buffet and as you notice some vagina going for the last cannoli, call her a fat pig so she drops it and picks up an eating disorder instead. Eat the last cannoli.
Start sentences with, “The blacks,” or, “The specs,” and tell everyone how they are going to love winning and be so sick of winning once you win, since winning and they’ll be sick and those losers will want to lose, but they can’t cause you win and winning is all you do---it’s exhausting.
Talk about how you’re a, “Huge, huge dancer---probably the best dancer of all time,” but stay near the food. As other party guests try to fill their plastic plates, agree with their opinions on socialized medicine, “Yeah, we got to pay for all of that,” and throw props to how epically China handled that whole Tienanmen Square thing.
Pair this costume up with: a color-coordinated Hillary Clinton, a well-dressed, massively cat-eyed and heavily-accented Melania Trump that can use only past quotes from Michelle Obama, a tepid Mike Pence that stands near the exit for the duration of the party, an already drunk out of his mind Monday-morning Czech President Zeman, a shirtless and manly Vladimir Putin (whom can’t wait to put it in after the party) or a newly-unemployed and salty Billy Bush.