Political Dresser

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UN: Vampires in Malawi

UN: Vampires in Malawi

Here at PD, we’ve often joked about the United Nations being a useless organization (unless of...

UN: Vampires in Malawi

Malawi’s President Peter Mutharika is seeking help to assuage his citizens’ fears of vampires. If it’s not witches, it’s vampires.Here at PD, we’ve often joked about the United Nations being a useless organization (unless of course you’re looking for a good dose of corruption, in which case the UN is tops), but recent news out of Malawi goes far beyond gallows humor.

UN staff members were pulled from Malawi due to vampires.

Yes, vampires.

No, we aren’t talking about threats of date-nights with bootleg DVDs of Twilight, but actual vampires or rather, what mobs of Malawi citizens believe to be vampires.

According to the UN Department on Safety and Security, “These districts have severely been affected by the ongoing stories of blood sucking and possible existence of vampires.”

Apparently, vampire-slaying mobs have taken to handling any signs of vampirism in their neighbors by setting up roadblocks and killing at least five people so far.Vampires? Don’t expect the UN to help you with that. World Toilet Day? Sure, no problem, but vampires? No, definitely not.

Of course, to be fair, the UN claims that this is only a, “Temporary suspension of UN activities in the area until the situation is normalized.”

Naturally, their comforting promise means that the UN will be back and ready to move Malawi deeper into the 21st century once all of the vampires have been staked or shot back to hell with silver bullets. 

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  • Guest (Auza)

    Is it just me or does this sound like an awesome BBQ Horror movie plot?

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  • Guest (Domingo)

    Next the UN will evacuate Haiti because of dragons.

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